Today...could it be more painful...

Today... today is my mother's birthday.  It sucks that my younger brother and I can't spend it with her this year.  She's in prison in Las Vegas, NV right now.  I hate that she's there, especially since she's there for something she didn't do (I'll explain it in another blog).  I feel like my heart is being twisted and twisted to no end.  It just makes me feel that no one that deserves to be happy will ever be happy.  There will always be forces that will do anything to make sure you won't ever smile.  It'll be an entire year February since the last time I saw my mother.  She's only been in prison since December 6, 2010.  Before that she was being held in county jail to wait for sentencing.  It took over 6 months to sentence her for some reason.  The judge even decided to go on vacation and not show up for court one time; so her sentencing was pushed back a few months that time.  Before she was in jail she was staying at my oldest aunt's house during the trial.  The prosecution didn't have sufficiant evidence, but some how she was still convicted.  Las Vegas is so corrupt it's not even funny.

All I can say right now is, Mommy be safe, keep your head up, work on your appeal, and I'll do whatever I can to help you (even though I know I won't be of much help).  Happy Birthday Mommy.  You'll be home soon.

Romantically Disallusioned

Romantically Disallusioned



I'm romantically retarded.
I never attract the guys I like.
Or that type. Only attracting
People and thugs I detest.
Another notch, another rejection.
But another rejection shouldn't be A big deal.
Though I'm used to it I still can't help but to cry.
And now in my bed I lye,
Wishing was my beloved Vegas skyline.
It got me through so many hard times.
I wish I was on morphine.
My scar to Be cleaned with iodine.
One day I'll be fine.
My wounds just take their time.
Wounds take your time.
The Tylenol hasn't kicked in.
Sleepy but not to the point of death.
Which is such a shame.
I would no longer feel lame.
Singing all the love songs I know.
Rewatching all my rejections as if a show.
Family, friends, and men.
I've never been acceptable to them.
I'm dreaming of never waking up again.
All of my suicidal tendencies are coming back.
God will you ever cut me some slack?
I am romantically delusional.
Those dreams will never come true.
Trying to push my pencil into my heart.
But the arrow that pierced my heart is still there.
I've only ever been shot there once.
Looking at the bright side now:
people will Look at this poem and say wow.
Songs will be formed because of this.
One day, hopefully I will learn from this.
Always alone with no one to hold.
Or to hold me.
Tired of laying my tattered heart on the line.
After writing this line I still have the need to cry.
Love will never be a luxury given to me.
I wonder;
how many times will be broken?
I guess we'll see.

The Pain of My Love for You

I can't think straight.
My head is spinning.
I feel nausish.
My chest feels as if it's about to burst.
This is what happens to me when you leave.
It feels as if the world is about to end and
My life will be empty from that point on.
Me head hurts.
My back aches.
My feet are swollen.
This is what happens when I chase you.
Your smile makes me melt and your kisses kill me.
Your hands around my waist is what gets to me the most.
I feel safe.
I feel as if nothing in the world can touch me.
My heart hurts.
My fingers are bleeding.
My arms are sore.
This is what happens when I hold on to you and beg you not to go.
I go on with my day as if nothing is wrong, but
Inside I'm being destroyed.
You're so selfish.
It's always about you and I allow that.
All you have to do is sing.
Even if off-key I swoon and forgive.
I forget everything until the next time.
You're the king of all players and I know that.
But I always for your lies.
Today I take a stand.
A united front with all the girls whose heart you broke.
I will not fall for you tricks again.
My heart has already burst into a thousand pieces.
There's no putting it back together now.
You fucked up.
You better take cover because you've never seen anything
Like the storm I'm going to cause.
You've teased me.
You've left me.
Now it's your turn.
I won't be a puppet anymore.
You believe you're a gift from God but you're the spawn of the devil.
Time to get a taste of your own medicine.

Sick....

I'm sick right now.  Went to the doctor yesterday, got tested for flu.  Don't have it.  I don't have any types of the flu nor strep.  Doctor doesn't know what I have.  Got antibiotics, and meds for the nauseua (hope I spelled that right ^__^).  I feel a little bit better but I still feel a lot horrible.  It's so cold right now too.  It's freezing outside so now it's cold in my house; even with the heat on.  Who would think it'd be 2o freeking degrees in Florida.  Man, I am already having a hard enough time.

Being sick, along with other events that've been taking place, have put my studying on hold.  I was hoping to be good enough by the time school starts in the fall.  I really am just falling apart right now.

YAY!! YEPHA LIKE JEPHA, I'M HERE!!!!

I just started this blog.  It's a little late (or early depending on the person) right now, but I still wanted to post to let you know that I'm here and I really do want to connect with you.  I'm actually not that good at socializing with people.  Even those who are bad at socializing in person, but can socialize online...yeah...um...I'm not one of those people.  I'm not that good at making friends, online or in person.  Never have been.  I've also been very sheltered (kind of) my whole life.  Don't misunderstand me though, I'm not niaeve.  I know about the world, as wel as life and reality.  I have hope, I dream, I have faith, but I am a realist.  Sometimes that comes off as pessimistic, I can't help that since its just the way things are.

I'm also that good at opening up; I suck at it, really.  But I'll try to treat this as a journal of sorts, and you as my confidants.  I hope we become closer, and/or you learn more about me and who I truly am and what my story is.  As well I hope this isn't one-sided.

Happy New Year!
Peace, Love, Happiness, that's what I wish for you.