If I Could Be...

If I Could Be…

If I could be anyone in the world
I’d be the girl you fell in love with.
So your heart and body could be
Only mine. All the time.
If I could be anyone in the world I’d
Be that girl.
If I could be anything in the world
I’d be the pillow you rest your head
Upon at night. For whenever your
Heart is full of woe. I’ll be the one
To comfort your soul.
If I could be…if I could be.
If I could be anything.
If I could be anyone in the world;
I’d be your girl. I want to make you
Happy. For I can’t think without you.
It when you’re not around. My heart
Hurts and I can’t breath without you.
If I could be your girl for a day, or just
A moment my heart would bathe in
Joy forever. I will stay by your side
‘til the day that we die. I just want
To see your twinkling eyes. You smile
Walking towards me.
I’ll never leave you. I won’t forget your smile.
I won’t for the way your eyes shines
When I sing to you.
If I could be…if I could be.
If I could be the stars you wish upon
At night; I’d make all your wishes come true.
If I could be…if I could be.
If I could be the tree that gave you shade
I’d make sure you were cool every day.
Your kisses could start a forest fire.
I’ll be there for you to climb every night.
If I could be…if I could be.

Just Laugh

Just laugh, just laugh, just laugh.

That's what I tell myself everyday.

My heart can say love in six different ways.

It make love in thirty-six and do it for days.

Since I saw you My heart has pounded to a different beat.

I love you and I need you.

Come to me please!

Driving down the streets makes me miss you even more.

Remembering when you used to drive me around town.

I've finally been found.

Remembering the way you smile.

Making me wet all the while.

Sleeping only brought more images of you.

Seeing you with those girls broke my heart.

When is our love ever going to start?

You always look so dashing.

Looking atthe screen and your pictures passing.

Just laugh, just laugh, just laugh.

Is all I can do except breathe.

I want us to just be!

Just laugh, just laugh, just laugh.

Is all I can do because I might just cry without knowing.

How do I talk to you without my feelings showing?

Loving you is getting harder.

And you're getting farther.

If I cry will you hold me?

That I guess we'll see.

Lover's Lane

Lover's lane doesn't exist.
Lover's are just friends with sex.
Do you want me or my body?
Should we end before we even start?
I'm always nervous when it comes to you.
Where's our Lover's Lane?
Will I ever get to walk it with you?
Can you handle all that comes with me?
Do you want to?
Is your love different different than others?
You've withstood your family and friends.
Is your love strong enought to hold up against yourself?
Does my love make your heart skip a beat?
Can I make you smile without even trying?
Will you be the moon to guide me when it's dark and I can't see?
Will you be my friend when all others have left me.
To you do I shine brighter than the stars?
Even when I'm bad will I still be your "good girl"?
When I say "Saranghae" will you understand just from my tone?
Can I trust you with my heart?
My body?
My soul?
My spirit?
Can I just trust you?
Will you feel my love with just one touch?
Will you feel pain with me or just laugh it off?
Do i make sense right now?
Can I cry in your arms?
Do I annoy you?
Do you love me?
Will you walk with me?

Feelings

I write letters to you everyday.
Letters that I can't send.
Letters of love and friendship.
I have butterflies in my stomach.
They won't go away.
The smile you bring to my face won't leave either.
Do you smile when it comes to me?
Can I lean on you when times get tough?
Will you always hold my hand when you're near me?
Is it me you see?
Will you love it when I sing off key?
I want us together lost at sea.
I can hear my own heart beating.
And it's beats because of you.
And only for you.
Does yours for me?
I can't explain how much I care for you?
I want to see you every morning when I wake.
Forever, you being there when I open my eyes.
You being the man I say I love you to would mean so much to me.
Will you ever say I love you?
Can you say it?
While I stare at your picture I can't help but smile.
My body shivers in excitement too.
Do you even know what you do to me?
Could you take it if I explained it to you?

Bewildered Loneliness

So lonely and cold.
Trapped in four tile walls with no one to talk to.
Starting to slowly let go of all expectations.
Holding on to all my old memories and outdated sorrow.
I'm hungry, my heart is hungry.
My soul is starving for some attention but my magnificiently long fingers can't grab it.
This emptiness inside me is overwhelming.
There's also this emptiness I cannot find.
The ones I love or have loved are the ones who have forsaken me.
Is there anyone in this world that can save me?
The reason I'm lonely I can't grasp.
Knowingly being rejected by my peers and myself.
In class with people younger than me kills me even more.
Craving my bed and my warm covers.
Day dreaming of my television sat and game systems.
Wishing I could allow myself to be carried away by the music.
I wish it was easier to socialize with others.
There's no one here with my same interests.
I am finally hopeless.
I keep reaching my breaking point every second of every day.
Soon in the ground I hope I lay.
I know I'm here to learn but everytime I look at the clock and see there's school time left my stomache churns.
My heart burns!!!!

Saranghae

My heart once stood alone.
Never knowing the comfort of love.
Then you came.
With arms wide open.
You didn't care if people threw
Stones. You were always there
When push came to shove.
Having you in my heart makes
My world rotate.
From your arms I don't want to
Escape. When I think of leaving
My heart bleeds and my body cries.
When you're hurt I can't stop
My tears. Losing you is one of
My biggest fears.
As long as you believe in me I can
Do whatever. My wish is to stay
With you forever.
SARANGHAE

Wrote this YEARS ago--Love Sucks

Reading old journal entries I found this. I wrote this when I was 15 or 16. I guess it still applies to me, I still have his number and use it as a reminder. Its just not the same type of reminder it used to be.

Entry:

Love can sometimes suck, but I'm happy I've ever even experienced it.  Sometimes I think of Brandon and how it would've been different if I never woulda noticed the other girl he called his.  He wasn't the type of guy I ever felt an attraction to before.  Though he hurt me he was the only guy I ever enjoyed kissing.  I hated that movie we went to go see our first date but it was the darknes I enjoyed.  It was like we had privacy in public...it excited me and it made me happy.  I fell asleep in his arms and that's not an easy thing to do.  Make me comfortable enought o do anything so early in a relationship.  Anyways that's that....I guess I keep his number just to remember the me that was what I wanted to be.  Yeah...so...um...see ya!

My Ever-Deepening Lonliness

I feel constant lonliness.  I can't escape it no matter what I do or try.  Medication can't help the lonliness.  Will I feel better once I move?  Will it dissapear when I go to college?  How does one deal with this?  Everything I do makes me feel even worse.  Is life supposed to be this way?
I never used to cry but now I cry in the shadows almost every night.  I can feel the tears rolling from my eyes and see them dripping onto the laptop.  Can someone like me be saved from this disease?  Am I worthy enough to be loved?  Am I strong enough to die?
What will I do in life to make me feel happy?  Can I even acheive it?
Writing nor music is no longer soothing to my heart.  My soul feels the lyrics too much.  My loves are causing me pain.  What to do?
At this point I'm hopeless.  It might never change.  Stuck writing music and books but few ever get finished.  I'm completely and utterly hopeless.
No friends, no lover, no father.  Taking care of those close. How sad

My Second Love

So I'm writing about my first experience with an asian man. It was short-lived and one-sided.

It was freshman year of high school and he sat next to me in Latin class. His name was Albert. He was the smartest person in the class. He was a stereotypical Asian guy. The overachiever, the one who was good at math and got all A's. He was one of my best friends and he was the leader of our little clique.

Albert was sweet and knew about whatever he was talking about in detail. I never knew anyone could be like that before I met him. He was the strong masculine type, but he was still sweet and caring and very funny. It was crush on my end and I held in that secret as long as I could. I told my friend Elizabeth. One day after a fun lunch of hanging out with Albert and the rest of the gang. Elizabeth decided to run up to Albert and tell him I liked him. I was horrified. That was my worst fear at the time. He was totally indifferent to the fact I loved him secretly for the past 5 months.

I found out later I wasn't the only black girl that liked him either. My friend with the same name as mine Jessica liked him as well. We were like sisters because we had the same name and we looked alike. He never went anywhere with me but he became closer friends with her. They hung out after school and went to parties but I was just someone to hang out with at school.

Then agian Albert was a "typical" Asian so he only dated Asian girls. He already had a girlfriend as well so Jessica and I didn't really get anywhere.

I ended up moving sophmore year so I couldn't pursue him any longer. I still talk to Albert every now and again. And I still think about him, especially since we just graduated. I also still care about him and I see him every time I go back to Las Vegas, NV.

Well that was my first experience with an Asian man. And my second love, don't know if I'll ever share about my first love. Hope you enjoyed it.

We Used to Love

As Lyn said,
"We used to love."
Now all we can do
Is peek at each other through
The corners of our eyes.
Your love dispersing was of no surprise.
I couldn't sustain my lies.
Because of my life I never trusted anyone.
Not even you.
My heart seems to weigh a ton.
For there's only one thing I can't do.
And that's love you.
As my anxiety gets tge better of me
I finally see...
That you weren't made for me.
Kissing you always made me smile.
Now when I here your name all
That comes up is vile.
For my heart I have to let you go.
I've never experienced such a blow.
For me to leave only made you happy.
Now for the rest of my life I'll feel crappy.
Now are you happy?!

Alone

You've never been one of
Those people to be alone.
You just speak without feeling.
I let you have your fun but now
I can't take it.
I have to put you out of my life.
You have plenty of girls but why
Do you play with me?
Someone could die from you toying with them.
Have you thought of the reprecussions?
Have ever felt bad for what you do?

I see through you now.
I won't help you destroy me.
I have pride.
Little did you know how much I cried.
I haven't ever been your baby.
So now I have to get rid of the crazy

I Want To...

I want to be the one you
Think of everynight before
You go to sleep.
I want to penetrate your
Mind deep. Hold you in my
Arms and kiss your forehead.
You leaving me is what I dread.
I don't care about things like
Street cred, bling, and those things.
I want to breathe the air
You breathe. Standing by your side.
Enjoying the ride.
Hoping to stay in my position.
To you I'll always listen.
Craving your lips as if I was
A fiend.Your tongue taste like
Ice cream. The tip of my tongue
Still has your taste.
We have all day to waste.
Hoping one day I'll get that ring.
After night with you I can't help but sing.
It feels as if my chest is about to rip.
My heart is beating that hard.
You got me programmed like a computer chip.
I'll get to you even if I break the law.
Love is new me. When we walk
Its like I have two left feet.
No attitude when I'm with you.
I'm afraid to not love you.
My heart aches when you're gone.
Loving you can't possibly be wrong.
I want to be yours. I want to be your doll.
Your play thing. You can have me
Anywhere at all. Feel free to clip my wings.
Going away to some place else will only
Hurt me. Don't leave me or you'll see.
I don't mean to scare you. You're a KING
I want to hail you.

The Pain of My love for You

I can't think straight.

My head is spinning.

I feel nauseous.

My chest feels as if it's about to burst.

This is what happens to me when you leave.

It feels as if the world is about to end and

My life will be empty from that point on.

Me head hurts.

My back aches.

My feet are swollen.

This is what happens when I chase you.

Your smile makes me melt and your kisses kill me.

Your hands around my waist is what gets to me the most.

I feel safe.

I feel as if nothing in the world can touch me.

My heart hurts.

My fingers are bleeding.

My arms are sore.

This is what happens when I hold on to you and beg you not to go.

I go on with my day as if nothing is wrong, but

Inside I'm being destroyed.

You're so selfish.

It's always about you and I allow that.

All you have to do is sing.

Even if off-key I swoon and forgive.

I forget everything until the next time.

You're the king of all players and I know that.

But I always for your lies.

Today I take a stand.

A united front with all the girls whose heart you broke.

I will not fall for you tricks again.

My heart has already burst into a thousand pieces.

There's no putting it back together now.

You fucked up.

You better take cover because you've never seen anything

Like the storm I'm going to cause.

You've teased me.

You've left me.

Now it's your turn.

I won't be a puppet anymore.

You believe you're a gift from God but you're the spawn of the devil.

Time to get a taste of your own medicine.

Tamia- Officially Missing You

I know that this is a love song, but it conveys how I feel and have been feeling for over a year now.  This is dedicated to my mother.  I love you mommy.  I'll for ever be your JessiCat, and forever strive to be your Simba.  I miss yo.


[Verse One]All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two ears full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

[Chorus]

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

Felt like crying....and I actually did.

I've been feeling like crying the last few hours.  I finally did when I was listening to 4MEN's cover of Tamia's "Officially Missing You."

I just want to be happy.  Is that so much to ask?  And if it is why?  I can't help but wish for it.  To pray for her, my mother, her future.  Can't we just smile at each other? Why does it have  to be like this?  My mother is that bad of a person.  She's not perfect, but she isn't this evil, cruel, despicable person people make her out to be.

Now I'm crying again.  The salty droplets are just rolling down my face.

Dear God,

Please keep my mother safe from harm, illness, and death.  Please give me and her the strength to keep going on and walking through this life you've given us. Please let her come home by the Fall/Winter holidays this year (2011); hopefully before August this year (2011) so we can spend some of the summer together before my younger brother and I start school in September. Let her be exonerated of all those ridiculous charges. Please LORD.  Help us, help my mother, my step-father, my younger brother, me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Your humble subject; your loyal child,
Jessica Toston-Monroe

Job Hunting, enough said....

I've been looking for a job lately. I'm trying to save up for moving, school, bills, and then for leisure. It's so hard. Even places that have 'Now Hiring' signs tell me that they aren't hiring anymore once I ask for an application. It's so annoying and it's really pissing me off.

I've finally gotten back to writing my novel. I have 3 chapters done. Over 14,000 words. Still not even close to where I want to be though; and where that is is finished.

Got a letter from my mother yesterday. Thinking back to when I saw the envelope; she even decorated it herself; I feel like crying. It feels like someone snatched everything away from me. Someone ripped out my heart and now after they threw it in the mud they keep jumping up and down on it. As they do they're laughing at me, but all I can do is let tears fall and cry out for my mommy that they dragged away from me.

Please, I hope I have the strength to keep going. I just want to escape. Even if that means to inhale only one last time and let all the oxygen in my body slowly escape from it.

Today...could it be more painful...

Today... today is my mother's birthday.  It sucks that my younger brother and I can't spend it with her this year.  She's in prison in Las Vegas, NV right now.  I hate that she's there, especially since she's there for something she didn't do (I'll explain it in another blog).  I feel like my heart is being twisted and twisted to no end.  It just makes me feel that no one that deserves to be happy will ever be happy.  There will always be forces that will do anything to make sure you won't ever smile.  It'll be an entire year February since the last time I saw my mother.  She's only been in prison since December 6, 2010.  Before that she was being held in county jail to wait for sentencing.  It took over 6 months to sentence her for some reason.  The judge even decided to go on vacation and not show up for court one time; so her sentencing was pushed back a few months that time.  Before she was in jail she was staying at my oldest aunt's house during the trial.  The prosecution didn't have sufficiant evidence, but some how she was still convicted.  Las Vegas is so corrupt it's not even funny.

All I can say right now is, Mommy be safe, keep your head up, work on your appeal, and I'll do whatever I can to help you (even though I know I won't be of much help).  Happy Birthday Mommy.  You'll be home soon.

Romantically Disallusioned

Romantically Disallusioned



I'm romantically retarded.
I never attract the guys I like.
Or that type. Only attracting
People and thugs I detest.
Another notch, another rejection.
But another rejection shouldn't be A big deal.
Though I'm used to it I still can't help but to cry.
And now in my bed I lye,
Wishing was my beloved Vegas skyline.
It got me through so many hard times.
I wish I was on morphine.
My scar to Be cleaned with iodine.
One day I'll be fine.
My wounds just take their time.
Wounds take your time.
The Tylenol hasn't kicked in.
Sleepy but not to the point of death.
Which is such a shame.
I would no longer feel lame.
Singing all the love songs I know.
Rewatching all my rejections as if a show.
Family, friends, and men.
I've never been acceptable to them.
I'm dreaming of never waking up again.
All of my suicidal tendencies are coming back.
God will you ever cut me some slack?
I am romantically delusional.
Those dreams will never come true.
Trying to push my pencil into my heart.
But the arrow that pierced my heart is still there.
I've only ever been shot there once.
Looking at the bright side now:
people will Look at this poem and say wow.
Songs will be formed because of this.
One day, hopefully I will learn from this.
Always alone with no one to hold.
Or to hold me.
Tired of laying my tattered heart on the line.
After writing this line I still have the need to cry.
Love will never be a luxury given to me.
I wonder;
how many times will be broken?
I guess we'll see.

The Pain of My Love for You

I can't think straight.
My head is spinning.
I feel nausish.
My chest feels as if it's about to burst.
This is what happens to me when you leave.
It feels as if the world is about to end and
My life will be empty from that point on.
Me head hurts.
My back aches.
My feet are swollen.
This is what happens when I chase you.
Your smile makes me melt and your kisses kill me.
Your hands around my waist is what gets to me the most.
I feel safe.
I feel as if nothing in the world can touch me.
My heart hurts.
My fingers are bleeding.
My arms are sore.
This is what happens when I hold on to you and beg you not to go.
I go on with my day as if nothing is wrong, but
Inside I'm being destroyed.
You're so selfish.
It's always about you and I allow that.
All you have to do is sing.
Even if off-key I swoon and forgive.
I forget everything until the next time.
You're the king of all players and I know that.
But I always for your lies.
Today I take a stand.
A united front with all the girls whose heart you broke.
I will not fall for you tricks again.
My heart has already burst into a thousand pieces.
There's no putting it back together now.
You fucked up.
You better take cover because you've never seen anything
Like the storm I'm going to cause.
You've teased me.
You've left me.
Now it's your turn.
I won't be a puppet anymore.
You believe you're a gift from God but you're the spawn of the devil.
Time to get a taste of your own medicine.

Sick....

I'm sick right now.  Went to the doctor yesterday, got tested for flu.  Don't have it.  I don't have any types of the flu nor strep.  Doctor doesn't know what I have.  Got antibiotics, and meds for the nauseua (hope I spelled that right ^__^).  I feel a little bit better but I still feel a lot horrible.  It's so cold right now too.  It's freezing outside so now it's cold in my house; even with the heat on.  Who would think it'd be 2o freeking degrees in Florida.  Man, I am already having a hard enough time.

Being sick, along with other events that've been taking place, have put my studying on hold.  I was hoping to be good enough by the time school starts in the fall.  I really am just falling apart right now.

YAY!! YEPHA LIKE JEPHA, I'M HERE!!!!

I just started this blog.  It's a little late (or early depending on the person) right now, but I still wanted to post to let you know that I'm here and I really do want to connect with you.  I'm actually not that good at socializing with people.  Even those who are bad at socializing in person, but can socialize online...yeah...um...I'm not one of those people.  I'm not that good at making friends, online or in person.  Never have been.  I've also been very sheltered (kind of) my whole life.  Don't misunderstand me though, I'm not niaeve.  I know about the world, as wel as life and reality.  I have hope, I dream, I have faith, but I am a realist.  Sometimes that comes off as pessimistic, I can't help that since its just the way things are.

I'm also that good at opening up; I suck at it, really.  But I'll try to treat this as a journal of sorts, and you as my confidants.  I hope we become closer, and/or you learn more about me and who I truly am and what my story is.  As well I hope this isn't one-sided.

Happy New Year!
Peace, Love, Happiness, that's what I wish for you.